Awakening

I feel as though I’ve been sleepwalking, at least part of me, since I was 19. And I’ve been tossing and turning in a half-sleep, just under the surface, for the last three years. It is the creative and wild part which is awakening. And it is exhilarating.

Perhaps it is my age… I have recently turned 33, which puts me in that traditional female awakening period (in more ways than the obvious). Certainly some of the responsibility for the sleepwalking feeling rests on the shoulders of becoming a contributing member of society and chasing a stable job (it just can’t be called a career); some of it belongs to the need to please…everyone, especially my parents. This has been a struggle for me as I’ve had only the vaguest ideas of what to do in life: create, help, live, learn. Somewhere along the way, fear became a stowaway, deep in the holds of the ship.

Some sappy greeting card I bought some time ago and kept for myself says, “Courage is fear that has said its prayers.” I have latched onto this phrase, because I know I will never root out all the fear from its dark corners; I will keep tabs on it and use it as I can, even as just a list of things I will work towards over time.

I have the will to create again; it is slow and creaky as seldom-used things are. To learn. I am learning a new language and it will be a long road and the reward will be slight if any, but I want it. (Insert Gollum-voice here: I wants it.)

Who knows how long this will last? At 19, I thought it would last forever. I will ride it now for as long as I can.

This little sock has faith. It wants to be done in time for the TTC Knitalong so I can be working on something new and exciting. It thinks it has a chance, having only just begun a little over a day ago.

Today's Earworm: Kickstart My Heart, by Mötley Crüe – Throw up the horns, mofo.